Giants

Nearly two & a half years ago I was a freshman in college.
Nothing (and I mean nothing) is the same as it was at that time. And finally,
Nearly two & a half years later
I feel happiness when I look back on that year.

Now, don't view me dramatic, but freshman year changed my entire life. Everything about it. Nothing is the same, and what a beautiful blessing that is. Freshman year I was a mess - a girly mess with a boy mess & a Jesus mess with a pride mess all in the mix. I used to look at my freshman year as just one, huge, crap of a mess. If last year you had asked me how my freshman year was, I would have had nothing good to say about it, besides maybe my high school basketball bod still intact.
But if you asked me now, I would say freshman year was the most beautiful year of my life.
Why?
Because I grew.
In going back to school sophomore year, I remember continuously saying:
I'm not ready to face these giants.
I'm not ready to face these giants.
I'm not ready to face these giants.
Now, I shake the giants limp hand in thanks & walk away from the mess I left him in. All of them.
To face a giant meant to face the reality that something in my life needed to change. It wouldn't be easy on the eyes, as I watched my world, as I knew it, crash into nothing. It wouldn't be easy on the hands, as I faced every giant with fists hanging weak. And it wouldn't be easy on the heart, as it broke like a shattered water glass to the floor.
I may be talking about myself here, but mostly I'm talking about the Lord.
He watched on as I crashed my world into something unrecognizable. He fought every giant with His own fists as mine were unable. And, most of all, his heart broke all over as he watched me shatter my own.
But I know he was busy doing something else as well: writing the chapter of my book called "Finally."
It's been a long time coming, and though I feel I am just touching the crest of living out this chapter that He started two and a half years ago, I know that he's written past this dark time. This time where change became the decision & regret became the option.

I chose change.

Find New

Have you ever had something in your life, no matter its tangibility, & knew that there would never be a point in time where it did not exist?
Where this thing, this idea, this person or this feeling would somehow forever be a part & take a part of you every single day? How hopeless.
I am stripped of hope at this idea.

I have one of these "things."
It eats at me always, waiting for me to restore, then eats some more.
It's never really quiet - always makes itself known that it's there, waiting for me to notice & then choke me with a fire that I feel I will never escape. How hopeless.
I am emptied of hope at this idea.

But to choose.
To choose to lose the feelings that you feel when thinking of the "thing."
To choose to not run but face the memories & not drown but give up the fight.
Because it was never yours in the first place.
To choose salvation, restoration & redemption over shame, guilt, depression, aggression, regression.
To choose love over damned hate.

How hopeful.

Human Beans

So much goes into a day. We, as human beans (what if? hillarious)
run and walk and sit our way through a whole 24 hours. What the
heck do I even do? - you ask. You go to class, you work, you eat,
you play, you read, you verb you verb you verb.
You DO things. Stuff.
You stuff.
Now that we've held hands & dissected the mediocre life of a
middle aged bean (jokes over, for real) with minus more than
adventure, let's peek into what our Jesus does in a day.



Right?

Oh, you didn't catch that? Me either, I was busy stuffing. I was
really kind of busy doing. I was pretty much busy verbing.

Our Lord is Good.
He does more for us in 24 hours than we can for him our whole
existence - now & in eternity. He gives us more than we could
ever create for ourselves. He creates. He creates every step in
front of the one you just took and that one step you just had and
the step you are taking right now. Our God protects and projects
us from any harm in all worlds with one opening of his one right hand
& his five right fingers. Our God bossed your ability to have a 24
hours by creating your life & your world in 7 24 hours.

My nerve to deny his ability to walk before me every morning & after me
every night is embarrassing. How silly of me.

THUS I would like to let my Jesus have these 24 hours I hold so
tight - Lord knows He can shape them far more than I.